The End of July

I missed church yesterday and stayed up all night

This morning, I skipped the coffee and went straight to wine

Where is my heart? Where is my mind?

Lately, I feel like there is no point in being awake, but my thoughts keep me from sleeping

And if I saw you today, I think I would die

I’m not sure of the date exactly, but it’s the end of July.

sm

Dreams

7:30am laying still but dont want to sleep

ive been up since 4 because of a dream

it isnt the devil trying to meet

or demons planning a scheme

its her; she wanted to leave

the worst nightmare i ever had

was losing the woman i wanted so bad

it felt so real, like it was real life

i quietly asked when she opened her eyes

do you still want to be my wife

her touch is gentle with a subtle smile

i will never leave your side

and bad dreams are the reason the sun rise.

sm

Phonophobic

The memory of your voice leaves me with the fear of sound

so I’m focusing on the silence, staring at the ground

but flashbacks ricochet off the corners of my mind

it resonates, you yelling, when I close my eyes.

I only want silence, yet I hear my breath

I start to walk, but I hear each step

Inhale

Exhale

One foot in front of the other

It only hurts when I try to forget

There would be peace in the silence, but I can’t find it

It is a far cry from quiet

sm

A Tree

A single tree stands sapling alone on a land that is flat and green

i cant help but wish this tree could talk and tell me everything its seen

its home is a field in the middle of a place where people are eager to grow

they probably move too quickly to wonder what these roots and branches know

i have watched this tree each morning as seasons fade and change

if i could, i would ask the leaves if they like it this way

maybe each stage is like rebirth

and its soul is reborn to soil and earth

maybe each rain is a thirst quenching cleanse

if i were a tree i would listen and we could be friends

sm

Freshly Brewed Coffee

The aroma that comes in the morning with a fresh cup of coffee, the beautiful image of the sun shining upon the flowers, the sound of hummingbirds buzzing by to get to the feeders, I sit and appreciate life for exactly what it is in these moments. I am waiting for my son and the love of my life to wake from their dreams knowing a glorious Sunday awaits at one of my favorite places.

On mornings like this, Sunday mornings too, the birds buzz a little louder, the sun shines a little brighter and the coffee smells a little stronger. Everything seems a bit more wonderful when we have a family day planned at the lake. My two favorite people, who luckily enjoy the water as much as I do, who feel closer to God, like I do, when we are there, makes everything better.

Lake days, I feel so blessed to be able to say I’m ready to go to my favorite place, both heading to the lake and heading home. Blessed that the lake is one, but home is the other.

I will finish this coffee and enjoy each minute before we leave, every second there, and the ride back home to where it all starts. This morning my coffee was brewed with love, the sun shines, the birds fly- and this is today, a part of my life

sm

truth is

the story doesn’t end here, this is merely a crazy twist in the ever-changing, but nothing changes, plot. this is just a page in a chapter that is unfinished by the reader. just a part in the book of a girl who wants to be a woman, but realizes with every step the journey is different than she ever anticipated. every page reveals another option, choice, or mistake, and adds another character, another life she can break. truth is the story isn’t over, it isn’t even close to the end, so maybe there’s hope she will find her way by then.

scarlett mache