A Tree

A single tree stands sapling alone on a land that is flat and green

i cant help but wish this tree could talk and tell me everything its seen

its home is a field in the middle of a place where people are eager to grow

they probably move too quickly to wonder what these roots and branches know

i have watched this tree each morning as seasons fade and change

if i could, i would ask the leaves if they like it this way

maybe each stage is like rebirth

and its soul is reborn to soil and earth

maybe each rain is a thirst quenching cleanse

if i were a tree i would listen and we could be friends

Freshly Brewed Coffee

The aroma that comes in the morning with a fresh cup of coffee, the beautiful image of the sun shining upon the flowers, the sound of hummingbirds buzzing by to get to the feeders, I sit and appreciate life for exactly what it is in these moments. I am waiting for my son and the love of my life to wake from their dreams knowing a glorious Sunday awaits at one of my favorite places.

On mornings like this, Sunday mornings too, the birds buzz a little louder, the sun shines a little brighter and the coffee smells a little stronger. Everything seems a bit more wonderful when we have a family day planned at the lake. My two favorite people, who luckily enjoy the water as much as I do, who feel closer to God, like I do, when we are there, makes everything better.

Lake days, I feel so blessed to be able to say I’m ready to go to my favorite place, both heading to the lake and heading home. Blessed that the lake is one, but home is the other.

I will finish this coffee and enjoy each minute before we leave, every second there, and the ride back home to where it all starts. This morning my coffee was brewed with love, the sun shines, the birds fly- and this is today, a part of my life

truth is

the story doesn’t end here, this is merely a crazy twist in the ever-changing, but nothing changes, plot. this is just a page in a chapter that is unfinished by the reader. just a part in the book of a girl who wants to be a woman, but realizes with every step the journey is different than she ever anticipated. every page reveals another option, choice, or mistake, and adds another character, another life she can break. truth is the story isn’t over, it isn’t even close to the end, so maybe there’s hope she will find her way by then.

scarlett mache

part of me:

walks like a queen,

loves like a hippie,

speaks like a sailor,

travels like a gypsy,

gardens like a witch,

and works like a warrior.

but- that is just part of me.

03.31.20

Today has been a good day. This whole quarantine thing is really making us a little agitated with each other lately, like we need some time apart or something. However, today I took advantage of it. We painted dinosaurs, for creativity; we played a game with balloons with numbers on them taped to our dart board, and the boys had to do the math on the numbers they popped, Then we went to the store, and got some things to make some more crafts, because its either that or learn to cook, and I wasted ANOTHER cake the other night… lol

I also got to spend time doing some with my sister, just us. It’s funny how we used to talk non-stop while we did things like that, or have music blaring in the background- now we listen. The boys play in the living room while we paint in the kitchen and we listen to how they pretend, and we correct certain behaviors and wonder to each other if our mom said the same things.

Spending time with her is like therapy. ANNNNNDD our kids are building this relationship, hopefully strong like ours. Though, they are not brothers, I really do anticipate them being close. I always dreamed of that.

Another reason why I am better than okay., and it’s the end of March-

Blessings and good vibes for April- let’s cherish every moment that is positive with so much negativity going on in the world right now,

Goodnight

better than okay.

I had this thought come across my mind as I was driving down the interstate the other day, with all this shit going on and people getting sick and losing jobs, ‘im not just, im better than okay.’ Instantly, it occurred to me, that not everyone can say that. People I know, and love dearly are just living this okay kind of life.

This is something that I do not go a day without being thankful for. I have seen hardship and faced many challenges that people are going through right now. It is not easy, it can tear you down. Now I am blessed to finally say- I am better than okay.

My life is not at all perfect, sometimes I don’t feel like I have the support to write, I feel sometimes that I am the problem in many things, but I know deep down, that the people in my life love me wholeheartedly.

#betterthanokay

trying to keep up:

I know i cannot be the only one who feels like there is 10,000 things to do, and my mind is thinking about every single one of them and how/when they will get done. I know that during all the craziness in the world, I am NOT the only one who has trouble balancing it all.

due to my lack of balancing skills this one is going to be short, even though it’s been 2 day ( i think) since i was able to sit down and write. and, yes, i am disappointed in myself. *side note* while it is easy to sit at the computer, i have the hardest time connecting to myself enough to write what i am feeling or words that just sound beautiful together. Like we have not been too busy at work today, but i have also been so stuck in my head that i literally cannot make sense of anything. and i know me: i am so the person to sit there and type and delete; type and delete– which just makes me more pissed at myself.

so the question i looked at today was: “what is your biggest weakness?”to that my answer would have to be balancing time, money, relationships, emotions etc. my weakness is finding that place of balance. I does feel better to acknowledge it.

I SUCK AT BALANCING SHIT!!!!!!!!

there is just so much right now, like there always has been and always will be..

but in my head- its, HARD!

i want to do and be so much, and i cannot balance my time between writing and online shopping?

i am mad at myself right now. ready to be off work. tomorrow the question won’t be negative.

lost keys and new tires:

So, like I NEVER lose things right!? (that’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told!) Well, we had a busy weekend with some family that we had not seen in a while. Then, my son had a school play that he was in and we had to be there early- rushing… is the worst thing in the world for me. During all the chaos, somehow I managed to end up having NO freakin clue where my keys were. Having to use John’s truck to go to work the last day- I had looked everywhere, the only thing I could do was call a locksmith and have a new key made for the car. 200 fucking dollars later, I have a new key, and we can go on about life knowing the other ones will turn up now since I just paid a ridiculous amount for a new key..

Since I had the new key now the main priority was ‘new tire’ and an oil change. I’m literally at discount tire about to leave after, they too, got more money than I intended on paying– 150 for TWO new tires. Braxton’s school calls and says, ma’am I think we have your keys. How she knew they were mine, I have no idea. At first, I was like, ‘of fucking course you do!!’ I remember telling John, ‘there is no way they are at the school, we walked to pick him up that day; I would not have taken my keys.’ (which is true, I don’t remember taking them, or even having them after we got home in the first place.

The next morning, on my way to work; it’s raining (worst thing ever for OLD tires), and I remember what the man at Discount Tire said about my other tire that needed to be replaced. He told me that there were wires showing on the inside and the possibility of a blow-out was any day…. and that in the rain I wouldn’t be very safe. I had this overwhelming feeling come over me. Not a bad one, just one that reminded me how little I can control to what God can do in my life.

I truly believe it was no coincidence that I couldn’t find my keys during those rainy nights because I was not safe, and the night after I get new tires the school calls to tell me they found my keys. God was keeping me safe, I was protected and I had no idea- I felt like it was just costing me money, another stupid mistake I made that required me to pay for the lesson I learned. But God knew the whole time. He knew that only He could keep me safe. Not only did he protect me from a possible accident, He made it possible for me to have a career that I am able to pay for things I need. and if I wasn’t; I know for a fact John would help me until I got it together- I know God can always make a way

k. now is the time..

this seems like the perfect time to really dive in and be serious about my 30 day self-discipline project! while everyone is in distress and damn near isolating (i still have to work); i am going to take this opportunity to write and try to bring people some joy and also disciplining myself enough to sit down and give myself however long it takes to answer a question every day honestly to share.

i am excited and inspired right now, this is great. my son is sitting next to me because school is out. he is coloring and really focusing on staying in the lines and making it look “pretty” (because a monster truck can be pretty, right?) lol my boyfriend is downstairs, probably thinking i should be the one putting the dishes up and juggling his work phone. with the covid-19 chaos, they advised him to work from home, and to some-how video chat his conference calls. — im thinking at least we have jobs, at least we have more than enough for if we were quarantined for 2 weeks in our home.

we have everything we need. and maybe that is why i feel inspired right now, because amidst the chaos outside my house: inside these walls, i have everything i need. i have everything i have ever wanted. this is our safe place. and i find soooo much comfort in that. so much so i feel like just opening up about it. i feel able to release- i know not to take this for granted. my family knows how thankful i am daily.

my question for myself today is: what is one thing in your life you cant make a decision on?

my answer to that, at this moment in my life, is going back to school. i know i want to, i know i need to, i know there are many ways to get it done, but i cannot make the commitment to which school, which career path, how far do i want to go? i ask myself what is realistic in that aspect? how far can i go- what does this look like. i am bouncing between Physician Assistant, Nurse Practitioner, or a Diagnostic Medicine Sonographer. The last one would take the least amount of time, but the other two definitely make more money. (they also require more school which also costs more). I do know that, right now, my heart wants to get back into Pediatric Cardiology, but i want a different title. i want to be able to provide more, to be more equal with John, to have more education. That brings you confidence in and of itself- knowledge is power, and it is beautiful and respectable.

i will continue to pray and meditate on these thoughts and ideas and the answer will come, and the time will be right. when you know you know. i also will not sit and wait to see what happens. I will be disciplined and motivated enough to make time, to make the opportunities, and watch how the beauty of God’s plan for my life unfolds

Clocked Out!!

Whaaaaat! 7 o’clock sounded like doors slamming, cars starting – headed home! Soooo ready to hit that button! I’m done for a week! It’s like I’m literally not a mom for a week; not a nurse for a week— I have no one to take care of but myself. It’s been many many years… and, to be honest I’ve never been away this long, never really had the opportunity to “clock out of life” and just enjoy something for more than a couple days. I’m fucking excited!!!

I’m so thankful the man I love worked through all the bullshit he dealt with to get us here. Setting alarms for two am to catch an international flight to Mexico-

Here we go!!

Clocked out of mom duty, not a nurse for a week— clocked into worry free mode and ready to enjoy the next 7 days of Mexico memories with my baby.

@scarlettmache on Instagram for picture updates of this trip